Something's wrong with my package....

Something’s wrong with my package…

I believe we’ve been misinterpreting Santa’s “Ho, Ho, Ho” this whole time and instead he’s unleashing his anguish and/or fury upon retailers in the form of “No, no, no”. 

Never once during my childhood did I receive anything from Santa that I had to wrassle free from the grips of insane packaging.  Maybe there was something written in the bylaws or contained within the collective bargaining agreement between those cold midgets… errr, I mean elves and Santa that stated something to the effect “we will not subject children of this world to the endless frustrations, to wit: packaging, that come between them and their toys.”  We have so much to learn from those from the great white north.

It’s time that I face the so called music (cue the “da da daaaaa” music) and admit that a package or several really, have gotten the best of me.

While continuing to prepare the little one’s room last night, Shannon and I (really one me) decided to remove the toys from the boxes in which they came.  All started with the great intent to keep the rabble and mess to a minimum but when I finally tore into the first box (an infant activity squishy ball thingy?) I realized I was in over my head.

First of all, it’s a damn squishy ball thingy so why does it need to be secured inside its box like it contained the secret nuclear launch codes?  Seriously, four of those little twist ties that have been twisted into place by some rouge machine set on the Rubik’s cube algorithm for parent failure.  At first, being the kind and patient soon-to-be father that I am, I set about undoing the twist ties but when I could not get my fingers into the impossibly small area between the ball and the package (insert obscenely juvenile joke here), I did what any father would do and set upon unleashing hellish fury upon said packing.

This Box Received Minor Damages

One look at Shannon’s face, a mix between awe at the raw power at which I tore open the packaging (like that of strongmen tearing phone books in half) and the horror that my patience had been worn so thin this early on, and I realized that I had been bested.  The retailers must have some hidden camera inside these packages so that, not unlike those TSA screeners, they get to laugh at you when they get to peek behind your façade.  I am not one who succumbs to defeat and after the dust settled… Adam: 1 and Baby Toy Packaging: 0.

Now I can only hope that Shannon does not swaddle our baby in a similar fashion or else I’m destined for a future of a lot of uncomfortable explaining to do.